I have been recovering from a covid infection for 3+ weeks. But my deepest desire to get over covid wasn’t due to my work (or lack thereof). Nor was it due to feeling better physically. These were certainly on my mind, but they easily took a back seat to my true struggle with covid.
What I’m realizing is that I had a misguided intention during my recovery. There was an agenda behind my actions. That agenda was control – I was trying to control covid, what it was doing and how active it was going to be.
I wanted to control the way covid permeated my body. My actions included talking to multiple doctors in a desperate attempt to get advice, spending additional time in bed and taking extra supplements. You might think, “well those are probably considered normal things that any person with covid would do.” And I agree, these are essentially considered normal actions for most covid-infected people.
However, I hadn’t strongly considered my reasoning and logic behind my actions. Eventually, I discovered that the lingering thought in my mind was, “If I do all the right things, I should be able to minimize the damage.” Hence, I was trying to control covid, as if it were in my hands.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I disguised that control. Clearly, it seemed like common sense to take extra vitamins and stay hydrated and well-rested. However, these actions were coming from a mental space of, “I should be able to control this.”
And that mental space of scarcity perpetuated itself. “I should able to control this … it’s up to me to recover … I should recover faster than others … why am I not back to normal yet … what am I doing wrong, etc..”
The problem, therefore, is that I was fooling myself. I disguised my fears and lack of control under the guise of “I should be doing XY&Z.”
Why in the world did I ever believe I could control the way covid chose to act inside my body? Well, the best answer I can think of is that I fed myself lies to feel better emotionally.
I was desperate to believe that I had some kind of control. Thanks to my scarcity mindset, having control simply felt better.
In my determination to do whatever I could to suppress the symptoms, I was grasping for control. And I resisted reality.
Had my mindset been positively abundant, I would have taken the same actions… but with a very different intent!
Rather than trying to control covid, I could have accepted that it was going to do whatever it was going to do inside my body. The opposite of control is acceptance. And my lack of acceptance caused additional, unnecessary anxiety.
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