Tag: self-confidence

#45 Three Universal Leadership Lessons

April 9th, 2021 by

Whether you are a freshie learning your first role or a long-term manager, these basic leadership lessons are essential to your soft skill portfolio.

“Why should I care about leadership lessons, I’m just an employee,” you might ask. You should care because leadership is rooted in the self and you are the leader of your life. You need not become a manager to apply your leadership skills each day!

Lesson No. 1 Be the Leader You Wish You Had

You can sit around and ruminate; you can complain to colleagues or you can take action. But here’s the thing, bosses are human. Management is human. And it’s true they may not consider all things and all people all the time.

Can some leaders handle pressure better than others? Yes, of course. And you know in your mind what your boss should be doing differently. You might allow their faults to get to you. And let’s face it, sometimes bosses can be outright belligerent (see Post #44)

However, you get to choose how you respond to this stimulus. If your leadership lacks in one (or some) areas, then ask yourself how you can fill in the gaps. What it is they should be doing differently? If it’s within your boundaries, go out and do these things yourself within the confines of your job scope.

For instance, if it burns you up that leadership doesn’t respond to emails, always respond to yours. If it pains you to see leaders treating people poorly, make it a point to treat others with respect. If you wish leaders would take more initiative, initiate yourself to get the job done to the best of your abilities.

Lesson No. 2 Great Leaders Empower Critical Thinking

The roles of leadership are always up for debate. Some leaders like to give orders, instructions and directives. Others like to shame, criticize or blame. Some people claim great leaders are persuasive, assertive and outspoken… the debate rages on.

While opinions differ, especially from organization to organization, I believe leadership lesson number 2 is a gold mine:

Great leaders allow open dialogue that enables employees to self-reflect, critically think and problem-solve on their own. This is a mental, continuous improvement process that employees can take wherever they go.

A great leader’s contribution to the workplace? Leaving behind employees who apply this empowering mental technique on their own, with or without leadership.

Lesson No. 3 Don’t Lead Others Until You Can Lead Yourself

“Why are there so many bad leaders? How do incompetent people get promoted to positions they do not deserve? Why doesn’t management do something about XY&Z?” These are common questions (and complaints) I often hear.

This might just be one of the most powerful leadership lessons one can learn. Bosses, management, and leaders project their sense of self onto others via their management style. I’ll take this statement one step further. The way people treat you is an indication of the way they feel about who they are.

Leadership is not about having all the answers. It is not about covering up mistakes or fudging numbers. Leadership is not about having to please people. And it is definitely not about serving oneself.

Leadership lesson 3 is about uplifting your employees and colleagues.  Not an easy thing to do – this requires a leader to be whole with him/herself. It requires emotional maturity, self-accountability, the willingness to embrace fear and too many other skills to list.

Leadership is about extracting internal resources to upgrade external people around you.

Do you struggle to understand how you fit into your organization? Let me know what’s holding you back from leading yourself and the price you pay!

I invite you to follow me on LinkedIn and subscribe to my Youtube channel for additional coaching insights!

#44 “My Boss Doesn’t Like Me”

March 26th, 2021 by

Why is it the boss likes to laser in on your shortcomings and ignore your accomplishments? Your performance is above average, you’ve made a few silly mistakes in the past, and everyone has a major screw up. Despite the situation, project or your output, you tell yourself “my boss doesn’t like me.”

And it drives you mad because you don’t know how to fix it.

The Boss Function

Let us start by diving into some fundamentals of the boss role. This is not an all-inclusive list, but it serves as a useful reminder especially if you are a boss:

  • One, your boss exists to help equip you with the tools and resources necessary to perform your job. They guide you to help yourself resolve issues should you not have all those tools and resources. (By the way, many people do not have all required necessities to do their jobs, it is not just you).
  • Two, a boss acts as a compass to point you in the right direction. They are not there to solve your problems. Rather, bosses create a healthy, unobstructed environment for you to try, fail, innovate, and blossom through a consistent feedback loop.
  • Three, your boss must answer to their boss. If your boss wants to perform properly, it requires you to perform properly. Thus, your boss evaluates your performance to determine if you’ve met your goals. (Ideally, this process would look like an objective performance review).

As an aside, a performance review can be quite the emotional roller coaster ride. Unfortunately, I’ve heard and seen many people walk out of their reviews feeling defenseless, like they were ambushed. Nothing should ever be a surprise to the employee during their performance review. That is the power of a feedback loop: the employee is consistently made aware of expectations, strengths and ‘areas of improvement.’

Whether your boss performs the functions listed above, whether your boss is present or absent, is good or bad, etc. is not the point. The point is that a partnership exists between you and your boss. The two of you share a common goal: perform your best so the company can thrive.

“But, my boss doesn’t like me,” you exclaim. Now, where does that leave you?

It Helps to Know

1. By telling yourself “my boss doesn’t like me,” and by believing this statement at face value, you make the situation personal.

It is as if you are telling yourself, “the boss does not like my being, my presence or my humanness. I am not good enough because I am not liked. Since the boss doesn’t like me, perhaps I am unworthy of fair treatment. Maybe I should not be in this job and I should change myself. I want to be liked and accepted because I want to continue working here.” The self-narrative can spin out of control if you do not keep yourself grounded.

A critical detail here: anytime you believe “they don’t like me,” it implies a personal attack against your being and your existence.

Critical Point #1: Is your situation truly a personal attack, or is the boss attempting to criticize your output? These two scenarios are vastly different beasts. Let’s address the more severe of the two: My boss doesn’t like me for who I am.

2. Worst case scenario, your boss does make the situation personal, and they do not like you as a person.

It gets personal when management is critical of the things that make you uniquely you. Personal is when they use your personality or characteristics against you. For example, this might look like “you aren’t smart enough; you are too emotional; your spouse is annoying; the college you attended is insignificant, etc.”

If a boss makes the situation personal, they are faulty in two regards:

  • They fail to provide an environment that promotes self-reflection in the name of self-improvement
  • They are teaching you how miserable they feel about themselves

Critical Point #2: If someone doesn’t ‘like’ who you are, the translation is that they don’t like themselves when in your presence. On the contrary, people who appreciate and like themselves lift others up and facilitate self-improvement. They will not berate or criticize.

To Stay or Go?

Your employment isn’t about the boss being good or bad; it’s not about whether they like you. Your employment is about holding up your end of the bargain; it is not a personal relationship.

If you perform to the best of your abilities, learn from mistakes, and take initiative, there is nothing more a boss can ask of you. In fact, there is nothing more you can ask of yourself. While it is your responsibility to learn, grow and contribute to company goals, do not think you have to change yourself or your values … especially NOT for a boss.

If you believe “my boss doesn’t like me for who I am”, then it is possible they are taking their insecurities out on you. While this is their own internal problem to address, they unfortunately have some power to make employment more complex. Leaving this scenario for alternate employment can be tempting and sometimes justified. However, leaving the scenario may only serve as a temporary band aid offering short-term relief (which some people need in extreme cases!).

The reason leaving this scenario is not the best solution: you will always and forever deal with insecure people in your surroundings.

Leaving is the easy, temporary answer. Strengthening your mindset to deal with difficult, external situations is a much more sustainable, long-term solution (and applies to all areas of life). Ask me how!

I invite you to follow me on LinkedIn and subscribe to my Youtube channel for additional coaching insights!

#39 How to Have More Control

January 15th, 2021 by

Are you frustrated living at the effect of others? Feeling helpless or out of control? This article offers a way to start and build upon a foundation so you can have more control in life. I share three basic questions for you to answer when life hands you lemons. The better you can answer, the more control you will have.

What do I Know for Sure?

This is an insightful question that will open your eyes like you never imagined. The reason is because we often believe some things (or a lot of things) are true when they are not. There is a critical distinction between what you believe to be true versus what is true.

For example, you may believe, “My boss is out to get me, I’m not treated fairly.” The reason you believe this to be true, perhaps, is because you have evidence. It appears your boss reprimands you for mistakes, doesn’t approve vacation requests, and didn’t give you a raise. Thus, your logical conclusion is that the boss is targeting you unfairly.

Let’s pause for a moment, and ask, “what do I know for sure?”

Do you know unequivocally for sure the boss is out to get you? Actually, no, you don’t. That is a conclusion your mind has drawn up. Is it unequivocally true you are treated unfairly? Let’s dissect fairness – what is fair and how does it apply to everyone?

Does the boss reprimand you only for your mistakes and not others … has the boss ever denied others’ vacation requests … could there be a reasonable explanation you were the only one denied a raise?

This exercise, “what do I know for sure?” will help you shed light on your self-talk, which could become self-destructive if not put in check. It is a starter question that will springboard your way to having more control.

How Can I Help?

This is a beautiful question. It helps your mind break out of the victim or blaming mindset. “But I am a victim!” you might quip. “But it was so-and-so’s fault!” Those beliefs resemble a kind of self-pity, poor-me mentality that fuels negative energy. Negative energy leads to negative actions. I recommend avoiding counterproductive self-talk. It is an easy path, requiring little resistance that promotes downward spirals.

Instead, if you’d like to have more control in your life, I recommend a different path. The path this more difficult and could make your brain hurt. Find answers to, “how can I help?”

Referring to the example above, suppose your boss is out to get you. Suppose you believe this to be a fact. “How can I help?” will get your gears turning in a more positive direction. I am not claiming you go to extremes and try to be best friends. However, I guarantee you can dig deep and find small ways to impact the situation.

“How can I help?” may invoke a variety of answers. It could translate to your job efforts, your timeliness, your communications, maybe even the way you carry yourself. This question does not imply you are at fault or that you’re doing things the wrong way.

It is a positive question that opens the mind to exploring positive actions.

What Does Great Look Like?

When question 1 and 2 seem futile, you can try answering, “what does great look like?” We all want to be great, right? We all want to do great things and make great impacts, don’t we? This question is another way to have more control.

When you’re in a tough situation and it feels like the only way is down, think about greatness. Think about how you could create greatness with available resources. I’m not stating you must solve all problems, and you certainly can’t solve other people’s problems.

I am suggesting you find a way to start small. Maybe creating greatness could mean smiling more. It could mean asking the colleague who hates you if they need anything. Using the example above, it could mean calmly sharing your evidence with the boss to maturely discuss your concerns.

The uplifting impact these three questions can generate are far superior to the negative impacts caused by dwelling or self-pity. Another reason I recommend these three questions is because they are open-ended, ready to be tailored by you and for you. There are no right or wrong answers.

You can have more control in your life, and it starts by answering the three questions above. I am not taking credit for these questions. They originate from a phenomenal TedX Talk by therapist, leadership expert and drama researcher Cy Wakeman. I encourage you to watch as she eloquently explains the nature of these power questions.

I invite you to follow me on LinkedIn and subscribe to my Youtube channel for additional coaching insights!

#23 Life Coaching Misconceptions

June 5th, 2020 by

I do not tell people what to do, I don’t offer advice and I’m not a therapist. Rather, I guide people down the path to discover answers for themselves. Life coaching misconceptions can deter you from this life-changing process; I will discuss two false beliefs.

My purpose as a life coach is to introduce people to themselves. You believe certain things about the world around you; you believe certain things about yourself. I hold up a mirror, ask you to reflect and I take your brain to places it has not been. The purpose of getting coached is that you get out of your own head, expand your myriad opportunities and become grounded so as to think in useful terms (see Post #18). This process transforms you into an emotionally mature, self-confident thinker who makes purposeful decisions. I’d like to clear up two common life coaching misconceptions in an attempt to be transparent with my coaching style. Note, I cannot speak for other life coaches; I speak for my own practice.

Myth 1: “We should be happy all the time.”
Accuracy: There is no good without the bad.

One hundred percent happiness is not an idea that I teach to my clients, nor do I believe it to be true. This is a typical life coaching misconception. In fact, my stance is that there is no good without the bad, there is no great without awful, and there is no happy without the sad. Part of our human experience includes contrast. It is a given that we are going to experience the full spectrum of emotional contrasts during our lives.

What my life coaching offers you is the ability to handle the awful parts of life and enjoy the positives. It teaches you how to think in a self-serving way despite your negative circumstances. You learn how to process emotions. When you understand where your emotions come from, you can use them to your advantage. Emotions are the fuel for our lives. Everything you do and say stems from the emotions stirring up inside you.

Myth 2: “We should set goals and achieve them so we can be happy.” Accuracy: Reward is found in the journey, not the destination.

This life coaching misconception may leave you curious. Our typical society leads most of us to believe achievement is essential to our wellbeing. For example, it’s good to achieve a stellar grade point average, a high salary, a stable job, or a large house because that is what success ‘looks like’. We are fed messages throughout our lives that the achievement of tangibles or intangibles equates to happiness.

I teach my clients that while achievement can be a great thing, it is not the end all be all. This is true because after having achieved that wonderful goal or item, you think about the next one and you are left wanting more. When you derive fulfillment purely from the end achievement, you will never gain long-term satisfaction. Rather, you will be left with another empty void to fill.

The purpose of goals, my friends, is not to achieve happiness. Whether you achieve the goal itself is irrelevant! The purpose is to take yourself on an uncomfortable, demanding, self-discovery with bumps and traps along with way. Strategizing a way through obstacles is what forces you to grow and evolve. The harder the journey, the higher the reward. Achievement of a goal is simply a fun byproduct; the true reward comes from conquering your grueling obstacles.

I invite you to follow me on LinkedIn and subscribe to my Youtube channel for additional coaching insights!

#3 Who are You?

October 4th, 2019 by

Is it time to hit your personal reset button? If you were to fill a page with answers to today’s question, what would they reveal? You might feel lost, disappointed, or unsure about the meaning of your existence. Don’t allow yourself to exist among the living dead!

Right vs Wrong

The first step in changing your life for the better is to acknowledge its current status. Think about today’s question and answer honestly, as much as it may sting. Some helpful hints: there is no right or wrong answer; identities change over time; you get to decide who you are. If I haven’t mentioned, you get to decide who you are. Despite all the things that happen in your world, you decide who you get to be.

You get to be you, end of story. This is important if you feel confused, unjustified or pressured to be something you’re not. Too often, people believe things that happened to them in the past define who they are. And too often, people define themselves by their failures, mistakes or regrets.

Imagine summarizing all your accomplishments. Think about the sacrifices you make for others. How about all the times you defeated those tough obstacles that almost set you back. There are many positives about your life – I help people dig down to find them. When you think about who you are, do not forget to give yourself credit for making an impact on the world.

Think for yourself: who are you? See Post #17.

Your Obligation

It’s tempting to get down on yourself for the things you couldn’t do “right.” Here is a golden nugget for you. Knowing your identity in this world translates to acknowledging the way you view yourself. It is not only something you control, but it is your personal duty to yourself.

Do not allow circumstances, other people or your career to determine who you are as a human – that is your job. If you can’t catch a grip, or if you don’t want to face who you are, it’s time for mental recalibration. That is my function in life. I am an unbiased guide who will lead you toward discovering yourself. It’s as simple as sending me a note: gina@deliberatedoing.com.

I invite you to follow me on LinkedIn and subscribe to my Youtube channel for additional coaching insights!